[4/10/2024] > i am nothing short of a failure. im declining rapidly and i dont know what to do or how to deal with this. its never been this bad. i used to cry and whine about my issues as if they were relevant enough to care about, but it is only now that i feel the full capacity of my emotions. i dont think it can get any worse than this. i am useless, i ruin everything i touch. i am an animal, i lash out at the people i love and get surprised when they start to loathe me. this isnt me, im not myself, im so deeply disconnected from my body that im starting to not recognize the person i see when i stare in the mirror. below everything, i am null. i am terrified. i am scared. i see one way out

[3/4/2024] > can we skip the introduction? i have never felt so hopelessly pathetic in my life. before, i jokingly compared myself to a dying bug, but the more i think about it, i start to realize that is an accurate depiction of where i am. a lowly, dying bug. i think when i die, i will have someone looking down at me like i am scum of the earth, maybe god, maybe whoever the fuck is up there, its all the same. i am nothing and will continue to be nothing. my only grounding technique is promising myself suicide, a way out, and then ripping it away last minute, thinking "oh, well, i'll do it tomorrow!" but tomorrow never comes. i am stuck in an endless cycle of self hatred and self pity and nothing will change because i am incapable of feeling anything but bad towards myself. its like trying to teach a senile dog new tricks. i am doomed, yet i know i am too cowardly to take the obviousway out, so ill ruin my life even more, fucking up every chance i get until i am decimated socially. i will suck any bit of joy out of anyone who comes near me, wishing i was never even involved. i am nothing, and i will continue to be nothing.

[1/20/2023] > hello hello hello my friends! i figured i might as well update since im looking at this for the first time in 5 months. im on medication that doesnt make me want to stick my head in a meat grinder! im finally not thinking about joining my forbidden love in heaven (hell?) and im finally getting back on track. i stopped lexapro because it was giving me brainfog but i still feel like the dumbest fucker on planet earth so idk if that was the reason. im trying to come to with the fact that no, im not funny or particularly good-looking, so i will have to woo people with my incredibly attractive personality! maybe one day ill get a boyfriend and i will be happier than i am right now. i love u guys <3333

[8/16/2022] > jumpscare! im actually not dead [SCREAMING] [CLAPPING] but alas after i send my rant i am going to wish i was. i feel bad for my parents because when i die i will have no pictures to look back on. i am missing in action! its hard to love a blank face

[7/9/2022] > i stopped taking my meds. theres something terribly wrong with me and i need to confide in someone so i dont feel like im losing my fucking mind. jesus christ. not to start manic rambling but i am so dead serious there is something not there in my head. try not to cry challenge but its me and my inability to feel empathy for people

[6/25/2022] > holy shit. this time im REALLY sorry for not updating. ive been moving and shit and i havent had time between packing and wishing i was dead to update my precious blog! i promise ill be back soon my friends

[6/17/2022] > ohh im sorry for not updating friends, so many things have been going on lately and its been hard to get a moment to think. i think maybe my life is finally getting back on track? im stretching my ears and stuff and thats something ive wanted to do ever since i was a child. i still think about killing myself but its a lot less now. i think this anti-psychotic is actually working!

[6/10/2022] > i started a new antipsychotic since the one before was making me cut myself. idk if its helping in that department though lol

[6/5/2022] > thanks for all the page views ;) im glad you guys are enjoying my slow descent into madness

[6/2/2022] > recently ive been interested in making music to really speak (sing?) about my problems in a way that isnt just talking about it to a stuffed animal. one of my bigger inspirations for this is nicole dollanganger, i relate to her music a lot and find myself gravitated towards the same level of self expression

[5/31/2022] > i miss you so much it is unreal. i would die 100 deaths to be able to convince you to change your mind. we shall meet again in the afterlife, my angel. you have a front row ticket to my downwards spiral and i hope once it ends i can finally hold you and caress your face and tell you everything is going to be alright

[5/29/2022] > i have a problem. isnt the first step to healing admitting you have a problem? well, i do. now what? whats the next step? im going to die and rot in my own self-pity (with a hint of self awareness!)

[5/26/2022] > i want to admit myself into a hospital. im afraid im going out of control

[5/24/2022] > i cant sleep at night. everytime i try i end up waking up every 30 minutes and tossing and turning and it hurts to stay awake. it hurts to be conscious. it hurts knowing ill never be at peace with myself and ill never get better and that ill end up dying one way or another. i was serious about the livestreaming thing by the way, im going to let people inside of my head for just a moment before i give myself a chance at eternal peace. i wonder if this is the zoloft talking?

[5/22/2022] > if i *ever* (sorry mom) kill myself im going to live stream it so i can be featured in one of those cheesy "people who livestreamed their deaths" youtube compilations

[5/20/2022} > i thought i was dying when i woke up. my stomach hurt so bad and my face was so, so pale and i felt like i was two seconds away from keeling over dead on my bathroom floor. unfortunately i am very much still alive, even tho my stomach still hurts and i want to bash my head into a wall. the funny part about it is that i didnt even bat an eye when my brain came to the conclusion that i was falling into my ultimate demise, only that i wished it would hurry it up so i could stop feeling the pain that was making me convulse like a dying bug!

[5/19/2022] > i think ive made the realization that the body im in isnt mine. its like, yea, im here physically, but i dont feel a connection. i wake up everyday and feel like im constantly posting to craigslists missed connections board looking for someone who doesnt exist. i wish i could leave my body and ascend into a higher form of existence so i wouldnt feel the burden of humanity on my shoulders all the time

[5/18/2022] > i went to the eye doctor, they had to dilate my eyes. i noticed there wasnt much of a change in how it felt from my normal eye-feel, though i think thats just because im always in a perpetual state of waking up and going to sleep

[5/18/2022] > this subsite has officially been created!